The Seeker does not Rest

Seeking and unrest seem opposite to yoga. But is it not what we do best while we are here in this human life form? I am an optimist. It is not only OK but essential for my livelihood to participate, struggle, change, learn and evolve.

Recently, I picked up a book on Buddhism. Although, raised in a Buddhist country I have found the Buddhist teaching rather dry, rough and even bitter (no gods, goddesses, worships, pujas, prasadam...where's the sweet juice?). My relationship with Buddhism has endured tenuous spiritual flirtation. And perhaps that is perfect. Where you are is exactly where you ought to be. As Glenn Wallis, the author of The Dhammapada, Verses On The Way puts it "The dhamma is the dhamma because of the dhamma."

EACH FIND HER OWN PATH

I have had romantic ideas of being handed spiritual awakening like a book from a friend or a conversation with an elder and even contemplated subduing myself to a guru. Yet, none has manifested. As a child I pondered the big questions. Who am I? Why am I here? Why this mother, father, sibling and so on? It would have been great to find promising answers early on but they did not come. So, when I hit thirteen and had an idle summer all to my own I went into the deepest depression of my life. I was contemplating death and the value of life itself.

Thailand was and is still largely a Buddhist country. How did I not follow its teaching and became enlighten at age thirteen with such questions early in life?! It turned out that my dad was an atheist and my mom was a devout Buddhist follower. I want to make a distinction between followers and practitioners. Buddhist followers participate in all kinds of Buddhist ceremonies but often do not live on strict or even lose Buddhist principles, study scriptures or meditate. Not unlike church goers here who don't practice what they have been preached on. My mother, bless her, is a good soul but she is not a practitioner. The latter two practices are for monks and nuns almost exclusively. As a teenager I did not have a patience for lengthy ceremonies and worships. And rightly so because as I found out later that Buddhist teaching contains no such frivolous practices. Ironically I am now practicing devotional rituals daily. Anyhow, as a young person I chose to be an atheist hence, my struggle with the perishable asset.

If this body is all I have then why should I continue to live at all when death is certain? I asked myself this question over and over again laying at the corner of my room covered with a blanket shuddering with fear. When the summer was over I thought the depression would stay forever but it went away. I went about my business as usual questing for the gratification of the body, mind and ego since they were all that matter.

THE ANSWER COMES WHEN THE SEEKER IS READY

My story is not special nor unique. I have known of the same story with different details yet mine is the only experience I know enough to share with conviction. By the time I was thirty I have lived up well to my egoistic expectations. I was a big mess emotionally speaking. My heart ached and yearned for something I knew not what. A ruinous intimate relationship and confusing career choices made me look for something that I was yearning for, something permanent and that I could really hold on to. I did not know anything about the AA program then but their wise suggestion somehow manifested in my consciousness. If you want a different result then stop doing the same thing over and over again. I never did become an alcoholic. But I sure had plenty of other seemingly harmless addictions and habits I could shake.

So, I did the opposite to what I had been doing. Instead of flipping through fashion magazines I was reading Bhagavad Gita, Tantra, Buddhism, etc. Instead of searching for a man I went searching for God. I found myself at various spiritual establishments including but not limited to Hare Krishna, Presbyterian church, Scientology, Buddhist temple and Sivananda ashram. Some places I went for a lengthy amount of time while others I went once and never returned. In either case I gathered the information I needed and took to studying my new career/love interest seriously. Tending to the causes and treatments of human suffering and spiritual understanding are my focus. Yoga and its source, Vedanta, and Ayurveda give me the answers I need. The Buddha is here in his spirit and teaching to urge me on.

BE HAPPY GO STEADY

Once I have life's primary focus down things fall into places. I am fortunate to marry my work with spiritual study. For the first time I feel that I am in the right career. I can do this work for the rest of my life and more if need be. Spiritual life does not mean resting in peace all the time. It means constantly watching what arises in the moment whether peaceful or evil. Even the Buddha acknowledged of having Mara or evil thoughts right after his trip to nirvana. Discrimination without judgment takes time to perfect. As a seeker I am happy to practice living up to what the Buddha, sages and gurus have advised.

The teaching is like a boat taking you across from ignorance to the shore of unlimited wisdom. Another option is to swim upstream which is to say living life without taking to the teaching. They also advised that you get off the boat on your own once you reach the shore. It means to let go of the teaching and follow your own higher intuition. I personally prefer a slow and steady ride just enough time for me to get to know me really well.